‘Oh, kids these days!’
We all know the saying. It’s what our parents always said to us and what most of us are thinking about our children. Except they’re not children anymore, are they?
Our little babies have grown into teens with powerful personalities who seem to lock themselves in the virtual world, barely leaving any doors open for us into their new universe. They claim you don’t understand them and, frankly, many times you really don’t – which often leads to conflict.
How can you make things right?
What can you do as a parent to improve your relationship with your teen and re-build a long-lost friendship? Let’s find out what experts have to say.
#1: Remember yourself as a teen
Times may have changed, but teens’ feelings haven’t. Putting yourself in your teen’s shoes will help you be more understanding of their actions. Every time you feel that you can’t understand your son or daughter, ask yourself ‘What was I like at that age?’ Chances are, we’ve all felt misunderstood, angry or frustrated at some point – and compassion is the key of a better relationship.
#2: Adolescence = becoming independent
How many times have you told your teenager to clean their room? Probably more than you can remember. These small gestures may make it seem like your teen is trying to defy your authority. In fact, it’s just one of the many ways they’re trying to gain the independence they’ll need in adulthood.
Dr. Carla Naumburg, clinical social worker, explains that during these years your children are experiencing a new range of emotions and social situations. These new experiences allow them to explore who they really are – aside from, well, your child.
#3: Teens are rebel when they love you
What?! Yes, you read that right. It happens very often for teens to act against the boundaries you set or to make it seem like they don’t care about you anymore.
Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, physician and co-founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, explains that teens push you away because, once again, they’re trying to become independent. Gaining independence is very difficult when they love you more than anything and you’re all they’ve known their entire lives.
Furthermore, Ginsburg says that teens will experiment many types of behavior with you because they know you’re the only one who isn’t going anywhere. You wouldn’t give up on them no matter what, which gives them a pinch of confidence to try new attitudes and choices.
#4: Your child IS good
Adolescence is hard for teens and their parents alike. Sometimes is may seem like you’re losing it. These are exactly the moments when you have to remember how good your teen really is.
As Dr. Ginsburg points out, simply thinking “There’s so much that is good about my child” can make you look at things entirely differently. Next time you face a conflict with your teen take a deep breath, remember their good characteristics and prepare to talk calmly.
#5: Enter your ‘Yes’ zone
There’s a movie called ‘Yes Man!’ starring Jim Carrey where he plays a grumpy character who always says ‘no.’ The moment he starts saying ‘yes’ to everything, his life changes tremendously and he finds love and happiness!
That doesn’t mean you should start accepting your teen’s requests. It means giving up on your anger (the ‘no’ zone) and entering the ‘yes’ space – a space in which you and your teen are on the same page.
The ‘yes’ space involves acknowledging your teen’s struggles and trying to understand their needs and feelings – even if you disagree with them. Simply listening can make a huge difference sometimes.
#6: Start working as a team
Teens will be so much more cooperant when they feel that you’re really trying to work things out.
It might seem very difficult to work as a team when your teen has gone out without telling you or breaking other important house rules. However, being angry or talking back at each other won’t do any good either.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon, clinical psychologist and Northwestern University professor, insists that you should not tell your teen when they’re making a mistake. As she explains, every time we’re suggesting that our teens have done something wrong, they’ll perceive it as a power struggle.
In the end, showing compassion and love can have an incredibly positive impact on our relationship with teens. It does take a lot of patience and hard work, but it will all pay off over time.