‘You don’t know anything about me.’
‘It’s like you don’t even care about me anymore.’
‘Why are you interrogating me all the time?’
I can bet that every teenage parent heard these things from their children’s mouth at least once… per month. For more on family and child growth, you should read this new interesting post at www.soft-play-equipment.co.uk/importance-of-indoor-soft-play-maintenance.
While the teenage years are a magical moment when your son or daughter discover their identity and explore the world, this period of time is also extremely difficult. From gaining independence to exploring new attitudes and behaviors, our teens are eager to try every life direction they learn about.
With so many changes going on, listening and talking to a teenager can be a tricky task; sometimes, no matter how well you used to communicate, anything you say can seem wrong to them. A recent study from the Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia looked at 5 common communication mistakes between parents and their teens along with five solutions that really work.
The first step towards improving our communication is to acknowledge our mistakes, so let’s have a look:
Common communication mistakes
- You’re focusing on the problem
Victoria Miller, psychologist and the author of the Children Hospital study, explains that insisting on a problem makes children feel vulnerable and unworthy – two feelings which instantly cut off communication. When discussing a problem, make sure to focus more on the solution or to bring out your child’s qualities instead of their flaws.
- Offering unsolicited advice
Nobody likes lectures – let alone impatient, confused teens who think they know it all. In fact, you’d be surprised to know that your child probably already knows most of the pieces of advice you’re offering: coming home early, not chatting to strangers and so on.
According to Dr. Miller, the more unsolicited advice you offer, the less likely it is for your teen to listen. On the other hand, if you wait for your kids to ask for advice, everything you say will become much more valuable.
- Becoming too emotional
If your child opens up about a recent breakup or their first drink, it might be easy to let emotions talk for you. However, what teens really need is a good example – that’s what gives them reassurance. Instead of listening to your own emotions, try listening to your child for a change.
- Stop the parenting alarms
When I told my father about my first date, he completely lost it – and now that I’m a parent, I perfectly understand him. However, the easiest way to get along with our teens is to become their friends and not their parents, at least sometimes.
No matter how much you’d want to tell your kid that dating can be dangerous or they’re too young to do something, try to use those opportunities to discuss their intentions and what they can do better.
- Don’t over-empathize
Part of being friends with your child means staying connected through the good and bad. However, over-empathizing with a teen can ultimately have a negative impact.
For example, if your child opens up about fighting with their best friend, the worst thing you can say is ‘you’re better off without them’ – even if they do believe that! Teens can change their thoughts the very next minute and might end up being upset with you.
Parenting communication solutions
Now that we know the most common communication mistakes we might make, it’s even easier to come up with solutions and improve our behavior. Dr. Miller has also found 3 additional ways any parent can improve the relationship they have with their teens:
- Focus on the exciting times
No matter how ‘bad’ your teen may seem, I’m sure they have plenty of qualities too. Sometimes we get so caught up in the bad news or struggles that we simply forget to look at the bright side – which can make a huge difference.
- Look at their strengths
Teens may seem vulnerable, emotionally instable or confused. But all of these emotions will lead to a balanced, beautiful adult – with a little help on your side. Make sure to remind your child they have plenty of strengths, as they may often feel like they’re not good enough.
Dr. Miller explains that strengths don’t mean their gaming skills or high grades. If your child is a good gamer, for example, you should bring out the quality that makes them so: the fact that they’re a team player who cares about others.
- Let them gain independence
This is probably the most difficult task on the list: accepting that your child has grown and they no longer need you. But it is part of the process – and trust me, keeping them close all the time isn’t doing any good in the long run. As teens, our children need to create a personality of their own, they need to self-discover and they can never do it if we’re less than two feet away 24/7.
Regardless of our children’s age, parenting always comes down to two things: love and patience. With these two keys, we can open any door into our teens’ minds and become a valuable friend for a lifetime. After all, isn’t this what we’re all dreaming of?